Kai-Aitken.tumblr.com

All the cute gays live fucking forever away. |:

Like, other countries and shit. -_-

~foreveralone~

Masculinity.

Early on in my childhood I’d discovered that my views of masculinity have always been more subjective than that of others. My love of the male form stems from somewhere deep within me, unmasked by the rest of my existence. Whereas most adoration people feel for this, lies solely in the form of nudity, I more fully appreciate masculinity in the most admissible of shapes. In a laid-back laugh, a gentle glance, a simple smile.. Even a humble handshake can fill my consciousness with the enchanting substance that is testosterone.

I remember the discovery of the sincere intoxication that pulsed through my veins when my eyes could detect maleness in the most raw of forms. Masculine energy seemed to fuel my animation, I appeared to thrive off the most diminutive revelation of even the slightest bit of masculinity.

In time I had started to scour men for the things I had unintentionally noticed for so long. I would jump at any chance to leave the house in the hopes of witnessing just one sample of masculinity, just a glimmer of testosterone influenced actions. Going to the grocery was somewhat of a haven for me, the twitch of biceps lifting plastic bags, the short tempered hair rustle of annoyed husbands and fathers.. The influx of attraction would shake me to my core, provoking emotional highs that would hold me tightly in their grasp.

As time progressed my desire for male contact continued on and throughout Elementary School I felt comfortable only in classes headed by male teachers. I rarely had “crushes” on boys of my age and always felt them to be “just too young.” Their preadolescence was no match for the hormone induced manliness that fueled my addiction.

Moving forwards through Junior High and High School was like candy for my cravings. The boys around me started to develop the same masculine tremors my eyes had been addicted to my entire life. I could feel the attractiveness of their puberty growing around me, seemingly surrounding me in every class I sat through. The allurement was overwhelming to the point where I started to skip classes to hide around the track field or the gymnasium just to experience the same exuberant high of masculine energy.  Shirts sticking to sweat soaked bodies, the clenching of ab muscles with each heaving breath, it was all enough to make up for the failing grades and after school detentions.

To this day I still find myself lost in admiration, focusing in on random men  inadvertently exuding their testosterone in displays of sheer masculinity. My love for all that is male continues to be unbending and unchanging.

But I have come to welcome my infatuation, to indulge in the bliss brought to me by unknowing men and to deal with the withdrawal when need be. It’s become the heart of who I am, this obsession, and living with it has become second nature.

©K. Aitken.